It’s fine. Everything is fine.
We now go to the Oval Office, where President Joe Biden has convened an unprecedented meeting of America’s political leaders to address the division and polarization in our culture. In the meeting with President Biden are former President Donald Trump, the Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell, and House Speaker Kevin McCarthy.
President Biden: Now, fellas, I’m glad you could join me toda— WHOA!
[THUMP]
Speaker McCarthy: Oh my gosh, Mr. President, are you OK?
Biden: Haha, gimme a break! Of course I’m fine! Gimme a break!
McCarthy: But you fell!
Biden: I laid down! This carpet is so comfortable. I think I’ll just stay down here for a bit.
Leader McConnell: ………………
Former President Trump: YOU’RE NOT LAYING DOWN YOUR DEAD! YOU’RE DEAD! YOU’RE SO DEAD I’LL BET YOU VOTED 25 TIMES IN GEORGIA. YOU DIDN’T WIN! YOU CHEATED AND VOTED 29 TIMES IN MICHIGAN!! CANCEL THE CONSTITUTION!
McCarthy: Oh, right. WHAT HE SAID.
McConnell: …………
Biden: Now, fellas…
Trump: PUTIN NEVER WOULD HAVE INVADED IF I WERE PRESIDENT. WHY INVADE WHEN YOU CAN GET THE MILK FOR FREE????
McCarthy: Right, right… MILK PRICES ARE TOO DAMN HIGH! ALSO HUNTER BIDEN!
McConnell: What? Wait, where am I?
[McConnell aide, whispering: You’re in the White House, sir…]
McConnell: Am I president??? [Errr, no sir…]
McConnell: Check with Diane Feinstein! She told me the other day I am president! She also said she’s mayor of San Francisco and Arnold Schwarzenegger is British. [Ok, yessir. I’ll get Senator Feinstein on the line…]
Biden: Uh, hey, look fellas…
Trump: MCCARTHY!
McCarthy: Uh, yes sir! Yes sir!
Trump: YOU AGREE WITH ME THAT THE ELECTION WAS STOLEN BY JEWISH SPACE LASERS AND ITALIAN VOTING MACHINES AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN AND THAT HORRIBLE NASTY JEAN CARROLL WOMAN AND CROOKED HILLARY, RIGHT?
McCarthy: Sure, yessir! Why not, sir!
Trump: GREAT! PROVE IT!
McCarthy: Er, how, sir?
Trump: CALL ALL THE SECRETARIES OF STATES AND TELL THEM THEY GOT SOME REAL ADORABLE KIDS AND IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THEM AND ON AN UNRELATED MATTER – AND YOU GOTTA SAY IT’S UNRELATED – TELL THEM THEY GOTTA FIND ENOUGH VOTES FOR ME TO WIN! BUT DON’T TELL ANYONE I TOLD YOU TO DO THIS!
Biden: I’m right here!
Trump: ARE YOU JOE? ARE YOU?
McConnell: ……. [Crap, he’s doing it again]
McCarthy: Is that all sir?
Trump: NO! DO YOU LIKE FEET?
McCarthy: [gagging] ECHHH no sir!
Trump: GREAT, COME LICK BETWEEN MY TOES!
McConnell: Ughhhhh! [Are you in there sir??]
McCarthy: Sir! Please, no…
Biden: C’mon man! You can’t make him do that! Gimme a break!
Trump: SHUT UP! YOU’RE DEAD, YOU DECREPIT OLD MAN! GO VOTE IN MICHIGAN 107 TIMES! HEY MCCARTHY!!!
McCarthy: [whimpering] Yessir…
Trump: YOU WANT TO STAY SPEAKER?
McCarthy: [tears welling] Y- yessir…
Trump: GET ON YOUR KNEES AND START LICKING AND ALSO GIVE ME YOUR DAUGHTER’S PHONE NUMBER…
McCarthy: [openly weeping] okay sir… I’ll text you her contact information.
Biden: Can someone help me up?
McConnell: I should have… [Sir, sir, we can hear you sir!] I should have…
Biden: Can anyone hear me?
Trump: SHUT UP YOU OLD MAN! AND WHERE THE HELL IS THAT RED BUTTON?? THERE’S A COUPLE THINGS I FORGOT TO DO AFTER I LOST— I MEAN AFTER YOU STOLE THE ELECTION FROM ME, YOU AND THE DRUG-DEALING ELECTION WORKERS IN GEORGIA AND MICHIGAN AND WHATEVER THE OTHER SWING STATES ARE!
McConnell: Why? Why didn’t I… [Sir, sir, why didn’t you what, sir?]
McConnell: ………. [Damn, he’s gone again…]
McCarthy: [muffled] Ivv dis goot thir?
TRUMP: KEVIN WHY AREN’T YOU ON THE PHONE THREATENING THE SECRETARIES OF STATE? I MEAN, THREATENING THEIR FAMILIES? I MEAN, GETTING THEM TO FIND ME THE VOTES?
McCarthy: Evff?
Biden: [crawling toward the door] Jill? Jill?
Voice from outside door: It’s Doctor Jill!
Biden: Doctor Jill! Can you help me out of this room?
Dr. Jill: Sure!
Biden: I swear I don’t know what I was thinking calling this meeting… Anyway, I guess it’s time to get out on the campaign trail…
Dr. Jill: Yes, I’m sure you’re going to do great over the next 14 months…
Trump: DAMMIT KEVIN YOU’RE DOING EVERYTHING WRONG!
McCarthy: [sobbing] Mmmph!
McConnell: It’s all my fault. [Oh, no sir! Don’t blame yourself! There was nothing you could have done!]
[Meeting concludes]