GNBNC Exclusive: College Athletics, NIL, the Transfer Portal, Conference Consolidation, and How All That is in Pursuit of Academic Excellence
GNBNC Anchor Preena Squall: We are pleased to have with us today University of College President James Phipney Snodfelt, IV, and U of C football Coach Bo Gridiron.
Snodfelt: It is our distinct pleasure, Ms. Squall.
Squall: Please, sir, call me Preena.
Coach: Yeah, thanks Preenie, it’s great to be here.
Squall: Uh, it’s Preena. Anyway, coach, how do you feel about your chances in the conference this year?
Coach: Well, Prima...
Squall: Preena.
Coach: I was feeling GREAT in August, when we were part of the Atlantic Mid-Coastal Conference…
Squall: The storied AMCC…
Coach: … but then pencil-neck here cut a deal to drop us into the Pan-Great Plains Pacific Northwest Gulf Coastal Conference, and now I got no idea what the hell is goin’ on.
Snodfelt: Coach…
Coach: ZIP IT Bookworm!
Squall: Oh! My. This is awkward. Coach, what is it about the, er… PGPNWGCC Conference… that you object to?
Snodfelt: It’s PGPNWGCC, Preena. The final “C” stands for “conference.” Adding “conference” to the end is simply nonsensical.
Coach: I’LL tell you what’s unsensical! An athletic conference that includes schools from every region of the US of A except Guam…
Snodfelt: … so far…
Coach: …and expecting us to compete! There’s 73 schools in this conference now!
Snodfelt: May I remind you who pays your salary coach?
Coach: Go ahead Snoddy! Why should this hour be any different?
Squall: Gentlemen!
Coach: Sorry Princess…
Squall: It’s Pree— you know what, never mind. President Snotfelt—
Snodfelt: It’s SnoD-felt.
Squall: What did I say?
Snodfelt: You said “SnoT-felt”…
Squall: You could hear that??
Snodfelt: Believe me, I’ve been hearing it since 1st grade.
Squall: My apologies Mr. President. So, to Coach’s point, why did you agree to make University of College a part of the… uh… PGPNWGCC?
Snodfelt: Because, at U of C, we value academic excellence above all else.
[Squall waits, expectantly]
[SnoDfelt says nothing]
Squall: Hang on. That’s it? How does joining this mega conference help your academic excellence.
Coach: THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN ASKIN’!
Snodfelt: Ms. Squall, I have a PhD in Adult Education and a Master’s in Finance.
Squall: Okayyyyyy…. And?
Snodfelt: So don’t feel bad if you don’t grasp the complexities of this macro-economic-educational concept.
Squall: muther—
Coach: What about the transfer portal, President Einstein? How’s that help academic excellence?
Snodfelt: The transfer portal allows student-athletes to pursue their educational dreams at whatever institution of higher learning they deem fit…
Coach: So, to keep up, now I gotta recruit at the high school level while raiding other schools’ football rosters, and somehow keeping my own players from jumping ship from one season to the next!
Snodfelt: Oh, we’re going to fix that.
Squall: How?
Snodfelt: Instead of allowing players to transfer between seasons, we’re going to allow them to switch schools between games…
Coach: WHAT?? I’m already havin’ a hard time puttin’ together a cohesive team! Our fans can’t even remember the players’ names – they just yellin’ out numbers now!
Snodfelt: And we’re considering expanding the transfer window to allow switching schools during games…
Squall: Oh, hang on now, that’s crazy. How does that advance academic excellence?
Snodfelt: Well, I don’t expect a news anchor to understand…
[Squall grips a pen like a dagger; Coach Gridiron speaks low and soothing, talking her down.]
Snodfelt: …but there is an intersection here of economic and academic interests…
Coach: He’s talking about Name, Image & Likeness – “NIL.”
Squall: What’s that?
Coach: Well, players are allowed now to make money from the use of their names and images by businesses…
Squall: That’s great! They might as well get a piece of the pie!
Coach: … so, at every big school, a bunch of rich alumni have come together to form a “business,” called an NIL Collective, that they donate millions of dollars to. Then, when a top recruit or player comes to their school, this “business” of alumni donors pays the player hundreds of thousands of dollars to use his name or image…
Squall: What?? So wealthy donors throw in money to pay a top athlete who comes to their school? How in God’s name is that even legal?
Snodfelt: I can assure you, Preena, we would never violate the law, and we are relatively sure it is legal. And besides, the collective is prohibited from communicating directly with recruits.
Squall: So the players have no idea how much money a collective might have to pay them if they go to that school?
Coach: HA! The collective puts out press releases bragging about how much money they have.
Snodfelt: But the collective doesn’t send that press release DIRECTLY to the player… so… you know… it’s ok.
Squall: Hang on, hang on. Let me get this straight, President Snodfelt. Under the leadership of you and other university presidents, college athletics are now consolidating into mega conferences, sanctioning rich donors to bribe players to come to their schools, and putting into place a transfer protocol that enables the complete breakdown of any sort of team cohesion, school loyalty or individual commitment to a shared goal across a community of players and fans… do I have that right?
Snodfelt: Technically, yes. But your inference incorrect. This is not about money. It is about academic excellence, as is every action we take in higher education.
Squall: And how is that?
Snodfelt: You wouldn’t understand.
Coach: See the shit I gotta deal with?
Squall: And I though the television news business was fucked up.