"She asks me why, I'm just a hairy guy..."

Cats have whiskers so they can judge the width of openings before entering them. Walruses and seals have a coat of hair so thick and oily that it can keep them warm in frigid waters.

Clearly there is divine purpose behind these hair-brained ideas.

So can SOMEONE tell me why men get hair on their ears? Or eyebrows that grow so long it looks like we have thousands of antenae dangling over our eyes? Or nose hair that might be mistaken for a mustache if it weren't GROWING OUT OF OUR NOSE??


My friend Dr. X and I were kicking these issues around over a couple beers the other day, and we may have found the answer.

First, by way of explanation, Dr. X isn't Dr. X's real name. That's just his nom du drill. Darryl is a dentist, and I guess his lawyers advised him to operate under an alias.

In any case, we both agreed that evolution, or God, or God driving evolution, or whatever approach you hold stock in, has been remarkably deliberate in the innnovations installed on its subjects.

As mentioned, cats, walruses, seals, dogs... they all have clear rationales for their particular features. BTW, if you ever want an argument against man trying to play God (or evolution, or etc.), one need only look at the Chihuahua for rock solid proof that we should leave the species origination to the pros. The world is a giant free market and we shouldn't be picking the winners and losers, and God knows the Chihuahua would be a sure loser in the Wild Kingdom.

But I digress...

As if I had been progressing prior to digressing...

Dr. X and I puzzled and puzzled until our puzzler was quite pooped as to why men begin turning into hairy Dr. Seuss characters as we grow older. Ear hair? On the OUTSIDE of our ears? Why, to make us look more like leprechauns? Eyebrows so bushy that we regularly have to comb bugs out? Nose hair so thick that not only does it prevent dust and dirt from getting in our airway, it blocks AIR as well?

Then it dawned us: procreation. The idea is to ensure that the strongest males attract the most procreation-ready females, sometimes known in the anthropological community as "hotties."

Think about some attractive young male movie star, like, uh, well, take your pick I guess. Then think about an older man - picture Chewbacca, with more hair and a beer gut. If you are a young woman, who are you more likely to choose: the guy with the rippling muscles and six-pack abs or the guy sitting at the stoplight pulling stalks out of his ears, face and nose?

This strategy for keeping young females unattracted to older males, who logically wouldn't be the best candidates for raising and protecting a family, may have backfired on the great Evolutionator, however. Because in response to the reality of reverse polarity between young women and male ear hair, older men invented money.

I'm not saying that younger women are attracted to older men if they have money. I'm just saying that rich older men can afford electrolosis. Money is the root (and follicle) of all evil. That's what I'm saying..