How to Score: a V-Day Trilogy, Part 2

Share As I was saying at the end of yesterday's post, men have no idea what women want for Valentine's Day or for that matter ever.

This wouldn't be a problem, except men really like women and want women to like us back. But we don't know what will make women like us.

So we guess. Our first guess: a woman wants a man who treats her well. WRONG. It turns out that often girls want the bad boys. Makes no sense, right? Actually, from an evolutionary standpoint, it does. Back in the caves, the males fought over the female, then the female went with the biggest and baddest to ensure the strongest possible offspring. Sure, he's a ticking time bomb, but he's irresistible. That's no consolation to us non-NFL players (or those who cite Darwin to explain their lack of appeal to women), but at least it's logical.

Then there's the scientific literature (i.e., trashy novels). These books feature a heroine driven crazy by the hard-muscled, hard-to-figure, hard-to-love, impossible not to-love rebel/stud detective or whatever, who gives her the cold shoulder one moment and rips off her bodice (whatever that is) the next.

The problem: hard-to-love is about the best that most guys can do. And without the rest of the package, hard-to-love is pretty hard to love.

Then there's the challenge of a long-term relationship. Hillary Clinton said it well - not about marriage (insert joke here), but about politics and governing. Knocking charismatic Barack Obama, she said, "You campaign in poetry but you govern in prose." It's the same with romantic relationships: courtship's poems are nice, but they don't change the diapers, take out the trash or scoop the litter box.

It's not easy to be Barack one moment and Hillary the next as you struggle to keep a marriage romantic and rolling. (For Republicans uncomfortable with the Barack/Hillary marriage metaphor, feel free to swap in Huckabee and McCain, but I'll bet you're still uncomfortable.)

Problem is, in a relationship you must constantly run for re-election. Otherwise, you'll find your spouse flirting with some attractive Independent candidate, sort of a Ross Perot without the schizophrenia and shoe lifts.

Sound complex? Well, try figuring it from a man's perspective...

Tomorrow: What's a man to do?

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